Honesty

     In my immature way of thinking, honesty was not telling lies, stealing, and not confabulating to make a story bigger and better to keep your attention on me.  (such an attention getter.)
Today I understand honesty differently.  Yes, it also includes the above but it also includes other ways I used to meet my own selfish needs and wants.  They are manipulation, people pleasing,(not pleasing people), conning, and passive-aggressiveness.  I used to think there was nothing wrong operating in these modes.  It was just the way I handled things.  It was actions like these as to why I ended up with such low-self esteem and not understanding it was me all along. making myself so miserable.  As I have written previously, I was about 15 going on 34 years of age.  My level of maturity was stuck in a self-centered way of thinking.  It was all about Chrys. I lived my life in my emotions not using the reasoning part of my brain.  My reality (my emotions) not REALITY which includes everything outside of myself like you, people, places and things.  The world around me. Gosh  it's great to grow up right?  Better late than never.

     It was all about pride and fear.  Fear you may not like me or pride - I wanted others to think I was better and bigger than I was.  What wonderful freedom honesty can be and is.  Today, even though there may be a consequence to me I shall be honest in dealings with myself and others but especially being honest with myself. 
    
    

Catharsis..."What is it?"

     The boiling tea pot , a lifted lid, steam pouring out.  " AH!"  it feels quite relieving doesn't it.  I guess that little action took care of that.  Has it?.  Has it resolved what was in that steam?  That gushing, hot , negativistic anger?  Daniel Goldman says, "The seductive feelings of catharsis the "I feel better now" does not dispel anger or any other negative emotions except to make them quite present and lasting. It may feel satisfying but it is short lived."  Usually, in the past, I would use anyone in close proximity to me to vent or rant upon.  I thought this behavior was acceptable.  I was after all just sharing with you because you care about me.  How unfair is that?  The person we care most about receives these diatribes not understanding why they are feeling attacked; after all, the words are not about them! However, the anger, impatience, and negativity is directly pounded into their ears and heart.
     I would excuse myself by saying, "I'm not talking about you, I'm just "catharting".  Yuck.  How fair is that?  I would have to learn, by people avoiding me for conversation, (pain) to be able to converse, get my feelings out with someone who cares, in a kind, objective, non -attacking manner. Develop a better way to communicate.  Do you have someone in your life who rants at you?  Teach them to communicate to you in a kind and loving way...get out how they are feeling with out making you feel like you are the recipient of their anger.
    
     Remember my continuous adage:  "I can not hurt another person today; I have no right to do so."



    

My Happiness...Who is Responsible

     Wow!  I always thought you were responsible.  Who?  my family, my husbands, my employers, my co-workers etc.  It was up to you to make me happy.  That's how I thought it was supposed to be.  My husbands?  "My husband doesn't make me happy sob sob!"
     Love, tender feelings, caring, help, support are among the things I thought were supposed to come from others and then possibly I would respond.  If not forthcoming, "you didn't really love me".  My expectations were quite high of others, not knowing to think about my own actions.  Everything was response - reactions.
     Today, having achieved some emotional maturity I understand happiness is an inside job and for that I am responsible.  If I am living on a spiritual  path (not to be confused as being (religious), by doing the next right thing on a daily basis, keeping my conscience and soul free and clear of wrong doings, negativity, animosity, resentments etc,. by replacing ungratefulness with grattude, I can become happy with myself.  My self esteem rises, the anxiety, guilt, and angers reside.  I become happy and with that it goes outward towards others which then in return comes back to me.  Great concepts huh people?

Opinions - we all have 'em

I remember the first time I understood that people think differently than me.and that was ok?  Before I learned this little yet big fact, I thought if people didn't agree with me they were just being argumentative or just plain didn't get it, whatever I was putting out on the table.  Another reason was I thought (those were the days I shouldn't have been thinking on my own anyway) but, had lots of ya-buts then too. Another reason is that if you didn't agree with me I felt I was being put down by you...that I was ignorant or something.  Well, I am sure others are happy to know that today I know how to allow others their own opinions...right or wrong and it's ok.  People think what they think...that's how they think and that has got to be ok with me.  And, it is.